difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. LOL. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). Never saw my best friend again. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. %PDF-1.6 % Or immature? You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. From our hearts. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. Hes an ass. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. I have no specific information about if he is dating, etc. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples The difference depends on your relationship and personality. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. What better reason can anyone need? 5. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Thanks a lot for your insights, they are always appreciated. Im just searching for some truth. The message she left was so hurtful. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. Thanks again! When I thought of it like an addiction, it really put it into perspective for me, and that so-called love feeling/connection, was out of the equation. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Validation? But I did. Thanks for your well thought out post. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? Not doing it! They also gave me pause for thought. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) Interesting post & timing of it. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long). He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. What a bullet you dodged. I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. Merci. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. I dont think he is complex, and in time, you will recognize the same. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. Great addition, and true! She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. Amen. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Thank you. It focuses on the wrong thing. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. Keep telling yourself that. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. I dont like to be around you. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. Perfect explanation Sparkle! And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. Improved self-esteem. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. That just comes with time and distance. Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. This behavior continued into adulthood. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. With all of my relationships Im the same way. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. . Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? Please trust yourself. I was addicted for 6 months with the MM. I deal with this a lot. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. If we combine this information with your protected Are you worthy of the air you breathe? It takes practice. Its also not a punishment. I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! you are special. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off," Connie L. Habash, a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. You will always remember. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. What a beautiful sentence. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health life sucks. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. And I dont think that my post said differently. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? Bless you for your response. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Dont They Care About Me? Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. So this is really really traumatizing and I think made worse because in our other lives we are totally competent together, strong and intelligent women. I coach clients on this issue as well. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. You made the right decision. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. ;)). You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on I really have no feelings towards her at all. I can see myself also potentially being fooled into thinking new intensity means dropping the act. Your post was educational. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Remorse? I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). so sad. My kid(s) see right through you. Thank you. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. You know you need to stop. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. there is so much more to my current world of pain. Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. It's understandable. Revolution Christianity teaches that we DO need to forgive our enemies. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. What a shame! See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. Recovery is exhausting. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! you deserve the best! I got bored and stopped replying. Do you think its mature behavior? I think its hard for us to believe that people would do such disrespectful hurtful things, so we go into denial. That matured my arse up real quick. A person who says hes not ready for a relationship then goes back to the dating website does not know what he wants, but its sure to be an emotional bufferhe wants a woman who he can use as a sponge to absorb all of his pain and issues. I followed him. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. We just cant take anymore! These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You deserve better than that. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. . "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.

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