I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. We garden and cook together, and sometimes share favorite TV shows. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. Well-said, courtney. lets_be_honest Addie Pray painted_lady Obsessed with dolls? This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! . I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. So, encourage her to spend time with him. HA! haha. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. findingtheearth Yes. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. By myself, though. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. Or even more fun than you would. . I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. ). Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. 1. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. We all died laughing. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. And so does dad. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. 1. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Youre right, though. Sad. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? And of course. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Your email address will not be published. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. Highlight their special talents and abilities. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Sometimes those things just happen. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. Which is exactly why she wrote in. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! Seriously? July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. Find a common ground youve got to. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. He is dedicated and hard-working. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! I was like 7.) And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. lets_be_honest It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Then my partner came along. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. I think she may have deactivated. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Losing the . Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. But he can be a great dad regardless. YES! I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. I second this. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Manage Settings July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. bittergaymark Settlers of Catan! Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Ostensibly through her mother. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. BtVS not mature and intelligent? PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention and I realise that will be hard. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. (Which is fine, I guess. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Really truly. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. I forgive you!. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Heck Yes! But the dad is giving the kid homework? We had some past issues that affected our relationship. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. Does he like the 80s music? Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Being oblivious to financial matters. I watched it when I was a kid. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. I agree with you to some extent. I just dont get it. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes?
my husband is driving my daughter away